Monthly Archives: March 2012

Things the Gentlemen Skier Hates: Low-Ride Baggy Pants

For centuries, sports have had their own unique attire. For the most part, this attire has provided the athlete with some utility. Pads and tight pants in football provides protection and ease of movement, caps and tight swimsuits lessen friction in the water for swimmers, and soccer players use shin guards to, well, guard their shins. Skiers, for their epic feats of athleticism, use snow pants to keep their legs dry and warm.

Go ahead, tell me skiing doesn't require athleticism, I'll fight you

To perform these feats of athleticism, the best athletes in the world use apparel that allows them the best possible performance. When it comes to skiing, whether it be effortlessly weaving your way down a moguled face, screaming down some steeps, or even doing what the kids these days are calling ‘gnarly tricks’ in the terrain park, an intelligent human being would assume that you would want the type of clothing that will stay with your body.

Let’s role-play again. You’re going skiing, and the powder is epic. We’re talking thigh high (mind out of the gutter you losers) snow on some of the best terrain out there. Do you pick snow pants the fit snug around your waist, or snow pants that are falling off, or affixed below your buttocks? Before you make your decision walk outside, pull your pants down around your knees and sprint as fast as you can. I’ll wait right here.

Here are some instructions for fixing your face afterwords

Not so fun, huh? Now as you fancy yourself an expert skier, and many of my commenters have made it clear that the only good skiers in the entire world are those that look steezy. Also, looking steezy automatically gives you ‘cred’ and world-class ski talent; but I digress. You fancy yourself an expert skier, and yet you’re going to cruise down the mountain with your ass sailing to the wind. I’ll respect that choice the next time I see an olympic hurdler wearing untied skater shoes.

You know what, let’s forget my powder day example because I’ll just go ahead and assume that you like the feeling of frozen water being forced into your ass crack. It has a numbing effect for later when you invite over that guy in the apartment next to you that complimented the way you matched your ‘sneaks’ and flat-bill hat yesterday.

"Cute hat bro"

Instead, let’s move to the park, where steezers proudly lay claim to the majority of their ‘skilz’. Now, I’ve never done or even attempted a 540, I’ll get that on the table right now before someone in the comments calls me out for it. However, if I were to attempt something silly like that, I can’t imagine I’d want to risk landing backwards with my pants around my ankles. But then again, how else am I supposed to let everyone else on the mountain know I’m gay?

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