Things the Gentlemen Skier Hates: Go Pro Fever

Steez is synonymous with trashy douchebags thinking they’re the best thing to come to skiing since parabolic technology. So it comes as no real surprise then, that the self-absorbed assholes of the skiing world think that their “awesome” tricks look just like Shawn White at the X-Games. What is it about what you do on the mountain that makes it so worth anyone else’s time to watch them on video? Before I can truly even get worked up about the stupidity of your egotistical bullshit, lets watch a couple GoPro scenes that were some of the top YouTube results for “Skiing Vail” and “Ski Park GoPro”.

Holy shit. I sincerely hope you didn’t watch the entirety of those two videos. Of course, I had to with this being a respected journalistic source and all, but I’d honestly rather attach electrodes to my testicles than go through that level of pain and boredom again. At least the guy in the second video was a fairly talented skier, but good lord, even edited, …. NO ONE CARES. It’s not often words escape me, but the stupidity of this is just so far beyond my level of comprehension. Credit goes to GoPro though, they have an ingenious marketing plan: use the GoPro to do insane stuff, use it in your promotional materials, and convince people that’s what their videos will look like. Do a YouTube search for “GoPro” and all of the top results are professionally produced videos.

This is not you. I repeat, This. Is. Not. You.

In fact, it rather reminds of the marketing strategy of another company in a slightly different industry.

I bought the jeans, and even turned my camera to black and white, but I didn't quite get the desired result... Hmm...

The only people that should be allowed to create GoPro videos are 1) people that are in the ads, 2) people in legitimate ski movies, 3) people in pornos. I can already hear the arguments forming in my mind. “Just cause you suck at skiing doesn’t mean our videos aren’t rad as hell, man” “Those of us that can ACTUALLY ski make some pretty sick stuff, bro”  Suck my dick. Pushing aside the only argument Steezers have in my quest for the vaccine against the disease, (my apparent lack of skiing ability, which they have derived from my hatred of the clothes they wear. Steezers: You don’t wear a skirt, but I’ve never doubted your ability to take it from behind) let me make this humbling suggestion. There are exactly 5 people in the world that actually think your homemade GoPro videos are cool.

1) The other dude skiing with you

2) Your overly needy girlfriend, hoping that if she likes it, maybe you’ll love her, someday

3) Your mom

4) Your Grandma

5) The one creepy subscriber you have on YouTube thats just hoping you have a “wardrobe malfunction” in one of your videos.

That’s it. Literally no one else gives two shits. Not to mention, in a culture where the clothes you buy determine how good you are on the mountain, you’re just providing the entire world evidence to the fact that you’re a completely mediocre skier. I’m sure your mom thinks you’re awesome though.

Shit Bro, Better Buy Another Tall T

Things the Gentlemen Skier Hates: Low-Ride Baggy Pants

For centuries, sports have had their own unique attire. For the most part, this attire has provided the athlete with some utility. Pads and tight pants in football provides protection and ease of movement, caps and tight swimsuits lessen friction in the water for swimmers, and soccer players use shin guards to, well, guard their shins. Skiers, for their epic feats of athleticism, use snow pants to keep their legs dry and warm.

Go ahead, tell me skiing doesn't require athleticism, I'll fight you

To perform these feats of athleticism, the best athletes in the world use apparel that allows them the best possible performance. When it comes to skiing, whether it be effortlessly weaving your way down a moguled face, screaming down some steeps, or even doing what the kids these days are calling ‘gnarly tricks’ in the terrain park, an intelligent human being would assume that you would want the type of clothing that will stay with your body.

Let’s role-play again. You’re going skiing, and the powder is epic. We’re talking thigh high (mind out of the gutter you losers) snow on some of the best terrain out there. Do you pick snow pants the fit snug around your waist, or snow pants that are falling off, or affixed below your buttocks? Before you make your decision walk outside, pull your pants down around your knees and sprint as fast as you can. I’ll wait right here.

Here are some instructions for fixing your face afterwords

Not so fun, huh? Now as you fancy yourself an expert skier, and many of my commenters have made it clear that the only good skiers in the entire world are those that look steezy. Also, looking steezy automatically gives you ‘cred’ and world-class ski talent; but I digress. You fancy yourself an expert skier, and yet you’re going to cruise down the mountain with your ass sailing to the wind. I’ll respect that choice the next time I see an olympic hurdler wearing untied skater shoes.

You know what, let’s forget my powder day example because I’ll just go ahead and assume that you like the feeling of frozen water being forced into your ass crack. It has a numbing effect for later when you invite over that guy in the apartment next to you that complimented the way you matched your ‘sneaks’ and flat-bill hat yesterday.

"Cute hat bro"

Instead, let’s move to the park, where steezers proudly lay claim to the majority of their ‘skilz’. Now, I’ve never done or even attempted a 540, I’ll get that on the table right now before someone in the comments calls me out for it. However, if I were to attempt something silly like that, I can’t imagine I’d want to risk landing backwards with my pants around my ankles. But then again, how else am I supposed to let everyone else on the mountain know I’m gay?

Things the Gentlemen Skier Hates: The Bandana

Scenario: You’ve been placed at the top of a mountain. Elevation: 12,840 feet. I’ve given you a pair of skis to get down the mountain as fast as you can. Oh, and its winter, so its going to be cold out. You’ve come fairly prepared, with a jacket, snow pants and hat. Good on you, but you’ve forgotten that beautiful face of yours. No worries, I’ll let you wrap your face in this nice piece of soft fleece that I have, or that cute bandana your sister wore as a top last night, and subsequently left in my room this morning. The question I’m about to ask you says a lot about your character. Which do you choose?

What your answers say about you:

Option A) You take the fleece:

Congratulations on making an intelligent decision. That piece of fleece you’ve wrapped around your face is a neck gator, or neck warmer. It’s sole engineered purpose in life is to keep your pretty face and neck warm. It’s soft and comfortable, exceptionally warm and looks pretty dang classy to top it off. You’re making the gentlemanly, and scholarly choice.

Option B) My beard shall suffice.

Dear Jesus, you are a man. I’m sure the icicles hanging off your face are a testament to that fact. It might not be the smartest move, but no one can fault you for letting that glowing face of yours show. You’re tough as nails, you know it, and we know it. Go forth and conquer my friend.

Option C) Give me dat bandana yo.

The human race fucked up. We’ve made such great advances and technology that the entire balance of life and natural selection is askew. What are you, a 1820’s outlaw? Not only does the bandana look like you’re about to hold up the saloon, it holds no utilitarian value either. That thing wouldn’t keep an ant warm in the winter, let alone your ugly mug. It’s alright, I don’t blame you, I blame whoever invented the technology to keep your sperm cell alive long enough to make it into the gene pool. Although it sure is cool that it has pot leaves all over it, so that definitely makes up for the fact that you look fucking stupid.

 Die.

As a gentleman skier, you pride yourself in looking professional, you may not always have the best sense of style, but what you have looks good, and has a damn purpose. Goggles? It’s sunny. Gloves? It’s cold. The ski bandana is the ultimate ‘fuck you’ to anything that makes sense in this world. But hey, Shawn White wears one on TV, so it must be cool!